Eating Worms

Nobody likes me

Everybody hates me

I'm gonna go eat worms

This was a phrase my mother used to say to me with a giggle whenever I was being self depreciating.

Sometimes it would make me smile, or even laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it. You know, like when you begin to see the corners of someone's frown beginning to faulter into a grin when they're trying to be angry?

But sometimes it would feel like "not the right time".

As a young girl, not fitting in was the norm for me. Matter of fact, outside my first four years of elementary school I can't actually remember ever feeling like I did fit in and my view of myself reflected that.

I always felt like I was taking up too much space. I always wanted to shrink and hide. I hated being perceived... and I hate it even more now.

As I sit here writing this today, I have this overwhelming strange sense of being embarrassed in front of everyone I know... for reasons unknown.

It's as of I was on stage and tripped and fell in front of an audience... Or sent an embarrassing private email to everyone in the office.

But why, when nothing embarrassing has happened? I mean sure, I reached out to a few people over text but other than that I haven't really even left my house today.

It's like I feel embarrassed just for being alive. 

Some days I just feel that discomfort. If I reach out and interact, if I ask small favors... It is reminiscent of that soaring regret after a night of drinking, wondering just how stupid you acted even if the feedback is positive or kind. But, it's not just sometimes, it's almost all the time.

My mother always told me I was beautiful and right on cue I would always reply by telling her she HAD to say that because... well... she was my mother. Now I look back at pictures of my younger self and finally see what she saw, but I didn't feel it on the inside.

When I got older and had my own daughter, I too realized the desperation of trying to convince someone how you see them knowing they don't see themselves that way.

The truth is, I know this is true for how others see me now. I know I'm doing OK.

There are people who love me, and think I'm pretty cool. So why do I often feel this sense of taking up space or like I'm a bother?

Because the social deficits of autism affect a lot of how we see ourselves in relation to the world.

Many of us feel unworthy of asking for favors. We feel like we've fumbled the ball in conversation more than once. 

I feel shame in my failure to initiate social interactions. I experience embarrassment with every delayed reply where the lapse in time has rendered it almost useless.

I know they can usually sniff out my lack of self confidence like a task force K9 on patrol. They pick up on my uncanny valley nature that comes off like trying too hard, yet somehow I'm constantly missing the mark. 

I know people like me

Not everyone hates me

And I don't need to go eat worms

But it's hard to feel on an intuitive level what my brain knows on a logical level. Because every message, every social media post, every human interaction, can make us feel less than worthy in a neurotypical world.